I wrote this a couple weeks back when this was still new, as a way to put everything out in the open. I am finally ready to share as I am coming to terms with everything and accepting my life in this present moment. It’s getting easier everyday as I recognize that walking away after giving so much is not a sign of weakness. Don’t ever settle friends. Everybody deserves to find their happiness and if you are able to share it with somebody special along the way, then it is that much greater. So here goes:
I have loved you with all of me. I have given all of me, jumped in with my whole heart and never looked back. This pains me terribly that all the pieces of my heart were given in vain. They were taken, slowly, over time. I was OK with this because there wasn’t anybody else I would rather have shared my heart with. I was perfectly content sharing my heart and life with you.
Now I am here, alone in this rented home that was once ours. The tears fall so easily sometimes I don’t even notice. Stupid things remind me of you and I feel ridiculous, crying in the middle of the living room. The pain consumes my entire being. I no longer get a goodnight kiss, hug or even text. I will not wake up next to you tomorrow and this makes me so sad. All I want to do is to stop crying and smile again. Not one of those fake smiles either, the one you do so people will stop asking if you’re alright. I’m talking about a legitimate, down to your core kind of smile. The one where you are completely in love with your life.
I’m not sure which is harder, having this end or not knowing when it will stop hurting. I am so upset with you but I still care for you and I don’t know how that’s possible. Every task in my life now seems harder, yet I feel you are just fine with all of this. The fact that somebody I loved so much could hurt me so badly is still unfathomable to me. I blame it on my naive and trusting heart. On the fact that I take risks, even if it means getting hurt. And because I will always see the good in you, even when you can’t see it in yourself.
You need to figure things out and I honestly respect everything you are going through. I will be here for you when my heart has found peace. But, I am also incredibly broken. You have worn me down more than I ever thought possible. My life had become so intertwined with yours that I lost myself in all of this. Perhaps you were only trying to set yourself free but in turn you have set me free as well. So, thank you. I truly wish you beautiful things and happiness in this life.