Who Are You When Nothing is Left?

I can’t speak for every single person but I do believe that the majority of us will arrive at a point in our lives where we will be tested beyond all measure. We will doubt ourselves and whether we can truly come back from this black hole of despair we have disappeared into. Life will seem to have lost its glow and those rainy days will make it seem as if the whole world is feeling your pain. These situations look different for each and every one of us. It could be the loss of somebody close to you, a terrible break-up, toiling away effortlessly but not landing that dream job or maybe a divorce from somebody you spent countless years loving. It could be a combination of these because when it rains it most certainly can pour. How do you stand tall in the face of the hurricane? Regain that sparkle you once had?

The pain of my step-mother’s passing from ovarian cancer is still raw and fresh in my heart. A month and a half ago her spirit was carried away from a body that could no longer fight for her. It is painful and it hurts. No matter if we are ready for a loss or not, the emotions that are felt when that moment actually arrives are indescribable. It is a head-spinning, leave you breathless, knock you to the ground and bring you to your knees kind of pain. It is real and unreal at the same time. All the words, hugs and prayers cannot rescue you from the depths of just how far these feelings reach. Nobody can fathom the moments that were shared, the memories you hold dear and the love you exuded for this person. You are left feeling utterly alone in this wide, open expanse.

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The person you are when you have nothing left can only be described as a heartbreaking test of character.

In addition, my boyfriend will be moving out this month and I will move in with a friend this summer when our lease is up. The word “breakup” is not easy for me to say. Not for somebody I’ve known for over six years. Not for somebody I moved thousands of miles for. Not for somebody I have loved with my heart and soul. This is a painful task for both of us and while I respect he needs to work on some things, I feel as though I know where things will go from here. A heart can only handle so much and mine is bursting at the seams recently. I wish I was better at following the advice I give to my friends because I would love nothing more than to walk away. However, I know he is hurting (for reasons I wish not to share) and no matter the circumstances I do not have it in me to abandon somebody who has meant so much to me. Is it worse when there aren’t hard feelings but you both know it has to end? Even though I have experienced both types of breakups, I’m not really sure I have the answer to that one.

All I can pray for at this time is peace and patience. The hurt and pain will subside in time. Just how much time is needed, well that I do not know. What I do know though is that one day the sun will feel just a bit warmer on my skin, the color of the flowers will be a bit brighter, my heart will smile again and I will laugh. But now is not that time. Life is about seasons and this is my storm that I am weathering. I am resilient and fierce. I will stand bravely in the face of the hurricane and I will come out on the other side, stronger and more confident than ever.

One thought on “Who Are You When Nothing is Left?

  1. Pingback: Be Better, Feel Better, Heal Better | Exhale Gratitude

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