I used to view love and relationships very differently. I held firmly to the fact that “you only get one soulmate in this life.” I believed it with my whole heart. Until last year that is. When I came to the realization that the person I was fighting for, wasn’t fighting for me. Break-ups are messy and life is messier. This isn’t about how everything happened or who was to blame. The point is that I changed. My perception changed. And when I realized my worth, I started down the path towards true happiness.
The relationship had to end, there was no denying that. My friends knew it. My family knew it. Turns out, I was the last to know. Of all the places to end it, I chose during my friends’ wedding. Perhaps it was the wine or maybe it was seeing how happy the newly married couple was. I remember thinking, “That’s how it’s supposed to be.” Love wasn’t meant to be maybes and constantly wondering if you were a priority. In that moment, I realized I would always know with the right person. He would treat me well and there wouldn’t be tears. There would never be any doubt whether I was enough.
I was really a mess for awhile during the aftermath of the breakup. Especially since it was not long after the loss of my stepmom. The tears that came from that dark period of my life were filled with more hurt than I had ever experienced. I didn’t want to date. I didn’t want to fall in love. I didn’t want any of the madness that came along with a relationship. Well, the Universe didn’t care so much what I wanted. I started to have feelings for somebody who had only ever been a friend. He was really a sweetheart and always made me laugh. Not to mention the fact that we had wonderful conversations and enjoyed doing things together. But feelings?! Gross. I couldn’t like him. Could I like him? OK, I liked him. There really was no way around it. We talked about where we stood and I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. He was understanding but I think both of us were unsure of where things were going to go.
So, he bought a one-way ticket to Columbia and didn’t know when he’d be coming back. Honestly, he had talked about it but I didn’t think he was really going to do it. (Although, I should have known because he’s always a man of his word.) My stomach sank and I was all kinds of sad. I was very good at convincing myself it was just because we were best friends and I was going to miss him, especially since he had been such a great support system for me after everything I had gone through. And then, I had to take him to the airport, where I was still convincing myself I was just fine. He walked inside, I got in my car, and cried. I cried because I knew then. I was scared I had let this amazing man wander into South America and I didn’t know if I’d see him again. Or if he’d even want to date me after he had already put himself out there.
Turns out, he did still want to date me. He asked me via Skype while he was in Colombia. (The time difference still causes disputes in regards to the proper date of said asking, but we’ll leave that for another day.) I was scared. Of course I was. But, I also knew I had to try. That I was never going to know if I let fear win. Nine months later, I can say this has been the healthiest, most loving relationship I have ever been in. And, aside from my relationship status, I am the happiest I have ever been. It’s been a struggle, finding that happiness again, but I did and it feels so good. I am more grounded, balanced, and giving, not only in my relationship, but also in life. I know that my happiness doesn’t lie in what we feel the world may perceive as success, whether it’s a career, a relationship, or what we own. But rather, it lies in me and what I choose to make of each day. The good looking guy I get to call my boyfriend? He’s an added bonus. 🙂