I have been dating for the past 3 years. I mean, actual dating, not that college/Ross & Rachel from Friends on-again and off-again thing. Since the summer of 2012, I have usually had a serious boyfriend, with the occasional downtime in between break-ups. This was usually a 4 or 5 month period of time where I would put myself together and then somehow end up dating again. Granted, counting my current relationship, I have had 3 relationships all lasting a year or more. I generally (thought I) knew when I was ready to get back into the dating game again, or in the last instance, move half-way across the country for somebody. (No it didn’t work out and no I don’t regret moving to Washington. More about that here—> When I Made Room for Love (Again)) Life always redirects us in some way or another.
So, when I started dating my wonderful boyfriend last September, I struggled with being alone. I am so thankful for this man that came into my life because he has been an incredible guiding soul throughout this journey. I was alone quite often because my roommate at the time left and moved in with her boyfriend. Much of it stemmed from the fact that I had lived with guys I had previously dated, as well as the fact that I wasn’t sure I felt comfortable being alone so much. I knew I would eventually have to come to terms with the fact that solitude wasn’t a punishment, despite the fact that in those moments of loneliness, my thoughts could get me into trouble. They would consume me to the point that I sometimes didn’t know what I had gotten so upset about in the first place.
I found, in time, that solitude could be filled with moments I enjoyed. I dedicated more time to yoga and eventually, to running too. I was reading more than I had before. I found time to spend with my friends. I started making plans for my career and my future, with goals of becoming more serious about my writing. Sure, I’m not precisely where I want to be in all categories but the point is, I made myself a priority. Because, who is going to want to make you a priority if you can’t even do that for yourself? Probably not anybody you want to date.
So, I survived the loneliness I had so severely dreaded. In fact, I began finding comfort in it over time and made sure to let my friends know how important it was to have that time to myself. It was not easy to come to terms with how I used to appoach even the thought of being alone. None of us likes admitting our weaknesses or finding fault within ourselves. It’s a daunting task but also one that is required for growth and independence.
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
M. Scott Peck
Despite the fact that nothing turned out how I planned upon my move here, I am glad life took the twists and turns it did. For the heartbreak that caused me to seek my inner strength that was there all along. For my decision to step up and say that I deserve more. For every broken piece of me that pushed me down, only for me to find humility in rising again. I found that others can push us to take responsibility for our own happiness but it ultimately comes down to whether we choose to make forward progress or to remain stuck. Solitude doesn’t need to be correlated with being lonely, but rather, as an opportunity for renewal. It is in our lonelinest and darkest hours where we can ask ourselves the toughest questions, begin to make changes, and set ourselves on the path towards becoming our truest self.